Love them, or love to hate them, rom-coms are integral to the fantasies and realities of modern dating culture. But there’s only one lesson you should learn from them – and it’s not to give yourself a makeover.
“I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve,” says Harry, as he breathlessly declares his love for Sally at a New Year’s Eve party. It’s the culmination of years of friendship – a friendship that has seen frank discussions about sex, friendship, courtship, and a famously public, faked orgasm.
Of course, it’s a line from one of the most loved rom-coms of all time, When Harry Met Sally. And it represents the single – and only – lesson I think we should learn about successful relationships from our favourite, occasionally problematic, movie genre.
As an avid rom-com aficionado and eternal cynic (yes, I believe these two personality traits go together nicely, thank you), I naturally have a lot of conflicting feelings about rom-com culture. My earliest exposure to the genre were the post-feminist rom-coms of the 90s, deeply entrenched with the old message of ‘women can have it all, but are unhappy until they find a man’.
As the fourth wave loomed, rom-coms started to deliver more intersectionality, paired with an attempt to move ever-so slightly away from the overwhelming depiction of traditional gender roles. (But let’s be honest – overall, romcoms have still remained a mostly white, mostly middle class, mostly hetero endeavour.)
In the end, the conservatism that infects the main message of the classic rom-com – that women should, nay must, pursue a relationship with a successful man, resulting in marriage – is far from empowering for women. So why do we love rom-coms so much? Is the love story a fantasy injected into our brains from birth – or is there something deeper to these stories that connects with even the most staunch feminist deep inside of us? And is there a positive message we can actually take away from these movies that makes sense in the modern dating environment?
There’s no argument that these movies are enjoyable – and perhaps that’s just it. Perhaps we just want to watch something fun that delivers on its promise without fail or surprise. It’s deeply comforting. Perhaps it gives us hope in finding our own fairytale – as much as Instagram accounts like Hingeboiz tell us not to.
And there’s something to be said, as well, about the depictions of relationships within the rom-com genre. What is it that makes us root for Harry in When Harry Met Sally, despite the fact he is repeatedly critical of Sally’s many foibles? Despite the fact that they annoy each other endlessly? Why do the majority of us think Carrie should have ended up with Aidan in Sex and the City? (Hello, Big lovers, no one cares what you think.)
I put forth, your honour, that the answer is friendship. Almost all of the best rom-coms feature the conceit of the couple who start as ‘friends’ – or sometimes even enemies – who eventually end up together (see: 10 Things I Hate About You). In these movies, ironically, often the man that the female protagonist is trying to pursue is the man they inevitably don’t end up with, because they realise that guy is the worst. We’ve seen it in Just Friends, Always Be My Maybe, One Day, 13 Going On 30, Players, Reality Bites – and, of course, When Harry Met Sally. (Where we have not seen it, was in SATC. Big was the worst, may he rest in dating hell. But then again, Carrie was also the worst, so…)
What are these stories trying to say about lasting relationships? And what does this teach us about true love? Wrapped up in these conventional depictions of love, there’s a beautiful message about being authentic. About being totally yourself, when you aren’t trying to impress someone – despite all the flaws you’re desperate to hide from them when you’re dating. Perhaps that’s the key to a long-lasting relationship. (That, and dating a man who actually enjoys women’s company.)
For me, the friends-to-dating pipeline worked; my husband and I have now been together almost 17 years. And I can honestly say that I’m more of myself around him than even my longest-serving female friends.
Can a friendship make for the best kind of relationship? I think so. After all, forever is a long time.
Bianca O’Neill is a freelance journalist with bylines at Rolling Stone Magazine, Refinery29, The Age, Herald Sun, Yahoo Lifestyle, and more. Follow her on Substack or Instagram.
