We’ve all heard it before, communication really is the cornerstone of a great relationship. It’s also the critical secret to a passionate & satisfying sex life. As we move through different life stages; shifting desires, libido changes, parenthood and ageing can all affect the sexual dynamics in our lives. As a therapist, I work with couples navigating these changes, and I’m able to share the secrets that I think make all the difference.
Written by Nicola Callard
Communication as Foreplay
When couples are able to communicate openly and authentically, they experience a free flowing and natural energetic that feels comforting, and secure. This sense of security sets an excellent foundation for acceptance, support and freedom – some of the key ingredients to a thriving sex life!
Although we experience life quite (very) differently, both women and men share a need for emotional intimacy so it’s worthwhile chatting with your partner about their needs in this domain. Emotional intimacy is the ability to safely share our authentic feelings, thoughts, and experiences with another person while feeling deeply understood, accepted, and cared for in return.
Being emotionally intimate involves the capacity to be vulnerable and transparent about our inner world, mutual empathy for each other’s emotional states and the ability to maintain healthy boundaries while staying connected. True emotional intimacy develops gradually through regular, meaningful conversations, showing up consistently for each other and working through conflicts with care and respect.
When we feel emotionally close with our partner, it provides a buffer against stress, enhances wellbeing and relationship satisfaction and offers a secure base for exploring and taking risks (both in and out of the bedroom).
How libido changes across life stages
Even with five-star emotional intimacy present, there are some very real physiological factors that can impact our sexual compatibility and satisfaction. As we age and move through different life stages, both men and women experience libido changes. Understanding these and being able to have open conversations will improve empathy and connection for both people. Here’s the need-to-know info for you and your partner!
Young Adulthood
For Women: High estrogen levels, strong libido and often a lot of desire; although social, emotional, or stress factors can create fluctuations.
For Men: Testosterone levels peak during the late teens and early twenties, driving heightened libido and energy. However, mismatched expectations or performance anxiety can impact satisfaction.
Parenthood
For Women: The postpartum period brings a whole world of hormonal changes. A drop in estrogen and progesterone, combined with increased oxytocin (the love-bonding hormone), often shifts focus toward caregiving rather than lovemaking. Breastfeeding can suppress ovulation, further reducing libido and physical arousal sensations. These changes are happening at a hormonal level and are outside of a women’s control.
For Men: Fatherhood introduces its own set of challenges. Testosterone levels in men may temporarily decline, a natural biological response tied to increased caregiving. Exhaustion or stress associated with sleepless nights and learning can reduce libido during this stage.
Thirties & Forties
For Women: In this phase of life, women often experience increased sexual confidence and awareness, partly due to a better understanding of their desires and preferences. Hormonal fluctuations, influenced by factors like perimenopause (which can begin in the late 30s or early 40s for some), might introduce variability in libido.
For Men: Testosterone levels, while gradually declining after age 30, often remain sufficient to sustain libido and energy levels during this stage. Men in their 30s to 40s might focus more on the quality of intimacy rather than frequency, prioritising emotional connections alongside physical ones.
Harnessing the power of femininity in communication
As a woman, you have access to a natural awareness of emotional cues, which is a golden strength as you guide your relationship through empathetic and nuanced conversations about intimacy and sex. Embracing your own vulnerability and expressing from the heart holds a strong, yet soft, powerful vibration.
You can rest in confidence that you have all that you need to lead these conversations, even if it feels a little unsettling at first. Harness your feminine energy as you approach with curiosity and care, ensuring that your masculine partner feels respected and heard throughout. I’d suggest setting a nurturing, warm tone for the conversation, which honours honesty and reassurance that what is being shared comes from a place of love and desire to feel more deeply connected.
If you’re thinking of starting a conversation with your man about shifting sexual desires or libido changes, you most likely have a clear idea of the key messages you want to communicate. This is a great place to start. However, you’ll probably find you have much more success if you’re able to soften your approach, drop into your heart and bring tenderness, gentleness and soothing tones as you artfully share what is on your heart.
One of my favourite ways to prepare for these sorts of conversations is to have a warm shower with soothing and sensual scented soaps, massage my body with oil to bring goddess vibes, create a soft and warm physical space and spend some time in breathwork, supported by soft feminine music.
In the conversation itself, you may want to start with some open-ended questions like “What makes you feel desired?” or “How have your needs changed lately?”. As you move through the conversation, remember to use “I” statements to express your feelings authentically and vulnerably without analysing, blaming or rushing to find (or impose) solutions.
Adapting intimacy through life’s changes
Although life will keep changing, and each stage eventually comes to an end, your intimacy and sexual satisfaction don’t have to. It is possible to evolve and grow through different life stages in yourself, and together with your partner. Exploring new ways to connect and supporting one another through transitions can be not only comforting but also lead to even more connected and passionate sex than you could have ever imagined.
About Nicole Callard
Nicola is a gentle guide and facilitator who believes in the power of authentic connection to heal our world. With advanced qualifications in psychology and group dynamics, she creates nurturing spaces where individuals rediscover their innate wisdom and voice. Through her mindful approach to therapy, public speaking, coaching, and group facilitation, she weaves together ancient wisdom with modern neuroscience to support others in their journey back to wholeness. Her podcast “What it means to love” and community gatherings serve as sanctuaries for meaningful conversations about conscious living and deep human connection. Find her sharing insights about slow living and sustainable wellbeing at @mindset_architect_collective.
