Seven years on from my divorce, and well past my 10,000 learning hours, the dating landscape continues to excite and intrigue me. Dating post-divorce has been a journey that has demanded every ounce of courage, introspection, and grace; as well as a fierce commitment to self-discovery and sculpting a life truly aligned with my deepest, most authentic self.
The profound journey of healing
The healing journey post-divorce is a beast of its own. It’s not just a breakup; it’s the unravelling of a life, a shared identity, a future you once believed was set in stone – no matter how it ended. Seven years in, I can tell you the healing is not linear. There are still echoes, moments where the old wounds whisper, but the difference now is how I meet them. If there was ever a time to practice what I preach as a psychologist, it’s now! Based on neuroscience, allowing the full spectrum of grief, anger, and loss to surface was, and still is, crucial. It’s a raw, messy process, but embracing that rawness is the only way through. Allowing yourself to feel it all is a testament to the depth of what you’ve endured and the incredible resilience you have cultivated.
Resetting your sense of self and clarifying a new vision
That initial void after divorce, where you wonder who on earth you are without the ‘we,’ felt terrifying. But with time, it transforms into a sacred, expansive space. For me, it felt like a once in a lifetime invitation to redefine my identity, not based on past roles or societal expectations, but on the woman I was becoming. Seven years of dating (and all the hits and misses) has refined this vision, making it sharper, more nuanced. It’s about asking:
- What are my non-negotiable values now?
- What does a truly fulfilling life look like for me, independent of anyone else?
- What passions ignite my soul and give my life purpose?
- What brings my nervous system a sense of ease, stability and pleasure?
This clarity, based on science, isn’t just a mental exercise; it’s crafting an energetic blueprint, which powerfully attracts experiences and connections that truly resonate with the future you’re building. I found this process took years for me to actually grasp; as I found it challenging to unravel social, cultural, familial expectations and find the freedom to truly decide for myself the life I wanted.
Manifesting an aligned life and integrating relationships
With this refined vision, dating shifts from a desperate search to a deliberate act of manifestation. It’s not about chasing; it’s about attracting a partner who truly aligns with the woman I am and the life I’m building. This is where understanding masculine and feminine energetics, drawn from tantric teachings, becomes profoundly illuminating.
We all hold both energies within us. Masculine energy is about direction, purpose, structure, action, and giving. It’s the drive to achieve, to provide, to penetrate the world with intention. Feminine energy is about flow, intuition, receptivity, creativity, nurturing, and receiving. It’s the magnetic pull, the space for being, feeling, and creating.
Clarifying the type of relationship dynamic I desire means asking:
- Do I want to primarily lean into my feminine, receptive energy in an intimate partnership, inviting a partner who embodies more masculine direction and protection?
- Or do I feel called to express more of my masculine drive, seeking a partner who can hold a more fluid, receptive space?
- Or perhaps a dynamic where both energies are fluidly expressed and exchanged equally, a beautiful dance of leading and receiving?
This isn’t about gender roles; it’s about the energetic interplay. When you understand what kind of energetic dance you truly desire, you can manifest a relationship that feels deeply harmonious and authentic. Remember there is no right or wrong, and there’s no “ideal” relationship dynamic. There’s only the ideal… for you.
Finding positive role models for your children
Dating with children is a tightrope walk, and seven years in, I’ve learned the importance of every step. Your children are watching, absorbing how you navigate this new terrain. It’s not just about finding a partner for you; it’s about ensuring any new person contributes positively to their world.
- Their emotional safety is paramount; introductions are slow, deliberate, and only when a connection feels truly stable.
- You become a living example of healthy relationships – showing them what respect, genuine connection, and authentic love look like.
- Open, age-appropriate communication is key, always reinforcing your unwavering love for them.
This journey, for me, has become a powerful lesson for my children in resilience, self-worth, and the beautiful possibility of happiness after profound change. Remember that divorce doesn’t have to be only challenging for the kids, it can also provide an opportunity for them to witness the magic of growth and transformation.
Juggling family and dating: balancing energies
The juggle is undeniably real, and seven years in, I’ve come to understand it as a profound exercise in conscious energetic management. Family life, particularly as a single parent, demands a beautiful blend of both masculine and feminine energies. There are moments when I embody the masculine essence of providing structure, setting boundaries, making decisive plans, and protecting my children. And there are equally vital moments when I lean into my feminine essence of nurturing, flowing with their emotions, creating a space of deep connection, and simply being present. Both are essential in equal measure for caring and providing for my children, ensuring their safety and fostering their growth.
In the realm of romance, however, I’ve discovered a deep personal preference for predominately playing in my feminine essence. This isn’t about conforming to an external ideal, but about tapping into what truly brings me fulfilment and pleasure in a partnership. It means consciously cultivating and regulating that receptive, intuitive, and emotionally expansive energy. It’s about allowing myself to receive, to be vulnerable, to flow, and to trust in the unfolding of connection. Over these years, I’ve had feedback from men who genuinely appreciate and crave this feminine essence in their partners because it offers them a space of warmth, emotional depth, and receptivity that allows them to step more fully into their own masculine presence.
Let me be crystal clear though! This isn’t about changing who you are to please another person. Far from it. It’s about getting in touch with the energetic dynamic that truly resonates with your soul, the one that allows you to feel most alive, most authentic, and most pleasured within a romantic connection. For me, and many women I have worked with, cultivating feminine essence in dating has been a journey of self-discovery, revealing deeper layers of joy, connection and ease.
So, the balancing act becomes a conscious dance where we learn to fluidly shift between the grounded, purposeful energy required for parenting and the more dynamic yet deeply receptive energy for dating and relationships. Conceptually this sounds great, however, practically it can take some time to perfect the routines and rituals that bring it to life – it’s well worth the time and energy investment to seek advice and support if this feels like a challenge.
A new beginning
Seven years on, dating after divorce remains a testament to my resilience, my capacity for growth, and my unwavering belief in love. It has been a spiritual journey of continuous rediscovery, where every honest, courageous step brings me closer to a life and a relationship that truly reflects the magnificent, evolving woman I am. For all the women in the thick of it – embrace the ongoing rawness, trust the unfolding process, and know that a future filled with deeply aligned love is not just a possibility, but a beautiful, unfolding reality… for all of us. And if not for us, let us be beacons of hope and strong role models for the next generation on the value of staying true to deep, authentic love, no matter what life throws at us.
Nicola is a gentle guide and facilitator who believes in the power of authentic connection to heal our world. With advanced qualifications in psychology and group dynamics, she creates nurturing spaces where individuals rediscover their innate wisdom and voice. Through her mindful approach to therapy, public speaking, coaching, and group facilitation, she weaves together ancient wisdom with modern neuroscience to support others in their journey back to wholeness. Her podcast “What it means to love” and community gatherings serve as sanctuaries for meaningful conversations about conscious living and deep human connection. Find her sharing insights about slow living and sustainable wellbeing at @mindset_architect_collective.
The content in this article published by The Paige is provided for entertainment and general information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and should not be relied on as such. Always consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns about your physical or mental health, or medical conditions.
