I’ve experienced anxiety on and off my entire life, as far back as eight or nine years old. I just didn’t know what it was back then, the dizzy feeling like I was floating outside of my body. As a child, I found the sensation slightly thrilling, like being on a carnival ride.
Through high school and my late teenage years, the feelings associated with anxiety felt more sinister and overwhelming – a tight throat I feared would suffocate me at the most impractical moments, hot flushes, fight or flight kicking in, cancelling plans because I couldn’t face the fear of panic creeping over me in public.
Through adulthood, I’ve somewhat managed to keep my anxiety at bay. Circumstantial triggers have thrown me off balance at times – financial or work stress, hangovers, a breakup. Life’s most challenging moments would bring on a surge of anxiety, but gone were the days of uncontrollable, crippling, out of nowhere for no reason anxiety and panic – until my daughter was born.
When we brought Elsie home from the hospital, I don’t think I took a full breath for days. I was so weighed down with the fear that something might happen to her, that someone might drop her, that she would stop breathing, that she would choke on her milk – perhaps brought on by the experience of her choking on birth gunk twice in hospital to the point she went purple. My partner Brad had to race her to the nurses’ station while I, immobile from my cesarean, had to lie in bed and wait for him to come back and tell me she was ok.
Back home, I remember needing Brad’s help to shower, so we left Elsie asleep in her bassinet in the loungeroom, only for me seconds later to change my mind – I couldn’t leave her in the room alone, something might happen, she might stop breathing when we’re not watching. So he rolled the bassinet into the bathroom, for me to then panic and nearly hyperventilate with fear that the steam from the shower might have got into her lungs.
Standing in that shower riddled with anxiety, I remember thinking – how am I going to live like this for the rest of my life?
It’s something I’ve been learning to navigate for almost two years now, and here Psychologist Nicola Callard helps me to understand more about maternal anxiety and how to manage it.
Is maternal anxiety more likely to occur in women who suffered from anxiety before becoming mothers?
Maternal anxiety can feel overwhelming and sometimes crippling for women, and it’s incredibly difficult to bring your best self to life and motherhood when you’re living in this state.
Anxiety is essentially worry and fear, which in itself can manifest at any time, for any person. If a woman has a history of worry, fear, and anxiety that hasn’t been well understood, addressed and healed, then absolutely we can expect the stress of pregnancy, birth and motherhood to amplify these emotions.
It’s important to remember that sometimes, we can live seemingly smooth lives through suppressing and repressing fear and anxiety – until we can’t. There’s nothing like a difficult birth, sleepless nights and the uncertainty of early parenting to bring this to the surface. So essentially, yes, a past history of anxiety is a predisposing factor in experiencing maternal anxiety; however, it’s not the only factor.
Is it triggered by hormones related to pregnancy and birth, or is maternal anxiety just as likely to occur in mothers who don’t carry their baby, as well as other non-birthing parents?
Fear (anxiety) is an emotion that all people can experience, so yes anyone involved or related to the new baby can be affected and experience some degree of anxiety.
Hormones and neurotransmitters absolutely play a role in our emotional and mental wellbeing, and the changes that occur during this transition can be a significant factor in women who have been pregnant and given birth; however, anxiety operates on a somewhat different dimension.
The belief that only mothers who gave birth can experience anxiety is dangerously inaccurate, and in my experience, can cause a delay in identifying that there’s a problem and seeking support.
Intrusive thoughts have been a real challenge for me since Elsie was born. I don’t just ‘think’ something bad might happen, I see it. I’ll never forget her Baptism, with family and friends wanting to hold her and pass her around in a slippery dress – I could see her being dropped, her head smashing on the concrete, the ambulance being called, I could hear myself screaming.
It’s difficult to breathe, to function, to socialise in these moments, to put a smile on your face when your brain is convincing you that your child is in danger. What advice do you have for mothers who are experiencing intrusive thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts like what you’re describing can feel so real! They can be intoxicatingly seductive; like a scary movie that we can’t watch but can’t change the channel. The first step is to recognise that these thoughts, no matter how vivid they are, are just thoughts.
Just because something seems to be so doesn’t mean that it is. It can take some practice to identify and name thoughts as intrusive, but with support and focus, you will soon be able to catch yourself in the moment and acknowledge that you’re getting swept up in a thought tornado.
Often, these thoughts emerge when fear is high and our nervous system is ungrounded or dysregulated. Once we can begin to acknowledge the thoughts for what they are, we can practice grounding techniques to support our nervous system to calm, regulate and ground.
From this place, we are able to access different parts of our brain, including our ability to think logically, rationally and solve problems. Some mothers will be able to take this broad advice and run with it to create some calm in those moments. Others may need some extra support from a professional to identify which thoughts are unhelpful and intrusive, learn how to catch them and develop tailored strategies to regulate and ride the waves until they pass.
Ultimately, my message here is to remember that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS (even though it feels like it sometimes). You have the power to change how you think, and you don’t have to live like this.
I really struggled with the balance between wanting to settle my anxiety and keep Elsie safe and close in my arms – but not wanting to react and upset people by dragging her away because I couldn’t trust they wouldn’t drop her or put her in danger. How would you suggest explaining your feelings and asking for understanding and empathy from those around you?
This common inner conflict can be paralysing for mothers, and also destructive for relationships! Again, awareness of our thoughts and emotional state is the first step, and prioritising self-regulation. After we have refined our own understanding of what we are thinking and feeling, and we have made peace with our own inner world; we are often in a much more empowered and grounded state to share this with others.
Journaling, ChatGPT or talking with a close friend who can help you collect your thoughts in a way that brings structure and clarity. Deep breathing, gentle stretches, time outside can be supportive to calm the nervous system. With clear, structured thinking and a calm body, we are able to express how we feel and share any boundaries or requests with greater ease and kindness. The goal here is for mothers to find peace and power in themselves, and grow in trusting their intuition and speaking this truth in a balanced, grounded way.
My anxiety and intrusive thoughts haven’t just been centred around Elsie’s health and safety but my own as well. I’ve never been so fearful of my own mortality, of leaving her alone in the world without a mother. I’m more afraid of flying than ever, I second guess driving because I picture the accident I might be in, I’ve been for mammograms (not a bad thing!) and blood tests to make sure I’m not sick, and I’m constantly fearful that something is going to separate me from my daughter.
Is this anxiety related to my own health an extension of maternal anxiety and intrusive thoughts, or am I dealing with a whole other issue here?
Anxiety is fear; which is an emotion – energy in motion. We don’t have to feel afraid of our emotions. They are not the enemy, nor are they something that we have to live with forever.
In my experience, both personally and professionally, being present to emotions is the cleanest way to heal and move through them. Often, we will do anything and everything to avoid feeling the feeling, which is usually what causes the suffering.
When we notice fear arising, in any form, we can pause, notice the sensation in our body, offer our full attention to that sensation and feeling and use the breath as we invite it to dissolve. The trick is to not get caught up in the content of the thoughts and stories, because as soon as we start unravelling the content, we are in the realm of thoughts not feelings. Ideally, we are addressing both the thinking and feeling aspects of the experience concurrently, but separately.
The fear of death is a primordial shared experience. We are all afraid of death and will become aware of this at different times in our life. Often becoming a parent will bring this fear to the surface in a new way that can be frightening and overwhelming. This feeling, like all feelings, just wants to be felt. The best way to look at all of these experiences is to recognise them as the same culprit – fear. As we do this, we can simplify and focus our energy on clearing the fear to create space for greater joy, peace, clarity, connection and love.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Are there studies suggesting that this type of anxiety becomes more manageable with time as you settle into life as a mother, and perhaps start to get more sleep?
The light is always available, for anyone, at anytime. There’s no tunnel; in the sense that there’s no distance to travel or milestone to reach for things to improve. In my experience, once a person decides they want to change how they feel, it’s very possible to make big improvements in a short period of time.
Many mothers will settle naturally as they find their own routines and strategies; after all humans are adaptive creatures, and we tend to find our own way to equilibrium if we are living in supportive conditions.
Some mothers, however, will benefit from additional support as they adjust to the demands of motherhood and update old operating rhythms to suit the new chapter. My main message to all mothers is to know that a calm, connected and joyful mothering experience is available; and you don’t have to live with excessive worry, fear or anxiety.
Anyone having trouble coping with pregnancy, being a new parent, or wanting help with building their community of care, can visit panda.org.au or call the PANDA Helpline on 1300 726 306 Mon to Fri, 9am – 7.30pm and Saturday 9am – 4pm AEST/AEDT.
Outside of these hours, Lifeline offers a 24/7 crisis support services via Phone 13 11 14, Text 0477 13 11 14 or Online Chat.
About Nicola Callard
Nicola is a gentle guide and facilitator who believes in the power of authentic connection to heal our world. With advanced qualifications in psychology and group dynamics, she creates nurturing spaces where individuals rediscover their innate wisdom and voice.
Through her mindful approach to therapy, public speaking, coaching, and group facilitation, she weaves together ancient wisdom with modern neuroscience to support others in their journey back to wholeness.
Her podcast “What it means to love” and community gatherings serve as sanctuaries for meaningful conversations about conscious living and deep human connection. Find her sharing insights about slow living and sustainable wellbeing at @mindset_architect_collective.
The content in this article published by The Paige is provided for entertainment and general information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should not be relied on as such. Always consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns about your health or medical conditions.
