For most people, dating in the modern world can be a challenge. It demands an abundance of energy, optimism, and, of course, resilience – especially when it ends, often via a vanishing act akin to a ghost or, if you’re lucky, a hastily crafted message. Add an ADHD diagnosis into the mix, and dating can become even more complex.
As more young adults, women in particular, get diagnosed with ADHD in Australia, the nuances around dating someone with or as someone who has neurodiverse traits is becoming a more common consideration.
Someone who knows more than anyone how much ADHD can impact their dating life and relationships is producer, broadcaster and podcaster Keeshia Pettit. Only diagnosed a few years ago as a 29-year-old young professional living in Sydney, Keeshia knew something wasn’t quite right and began seeking answers during what she first suspected was a depressive episode or perhaps a bout of burnout.
After her diagnosis of hyperactive and inattentive ADHD, Keeshia became determined to learn more. Her curiosity inspired her latest project, Cloud, a 10-part podcast series that is part of the leading podcast Life Uncut’s family.
Dating With ADHD
One of the areas in which Keeshia most noticed her differences was interestingly when she was single and actively dating. It’s actually what led her to find out she had ADHD in the first place.
Keeshia shared that “I was aware of my ADHD for a long time, but the burnout from it got really bad to the point where I was like ‘I’m going to have to do something about this’. Dating just became something that made me feel very sensitive and so that’s why I ended up going and getting properly diagnosed.”
Dating with ADHD can be more challenging in many aspects for a number of reasons; to name a few, it can be harder to lock in plans, emotions can be more difficult to regulate and there is a tendency to either unintentionally love bomb or be love-bombed themselves.
Impulsivity and Lovebombing
ADHD can be linked to lower baseline dopamine levels, making diagnosed individuals prone to intense emotions, hyper-fixations, and impulsive behaviour—and you don’t have to have ADHD to know all of the above can occur during dating.
The rush of a new romantic interest can be exciting for anyone, but for those with ADHD, it can offer a dose of the happy hormone that they are seeking. In the earlier days of dating, this can lead to overlooking red flags such as love-bombing. Additionally, a tendency for impulsivity (also linked to lower dopamine levels) can lead to women in particular partaking in riskier sexual activities, such as foregoing contraception, engaging in infidelity and having a higher number of sexual partners.*
Looking back at her previous dating experiences, Keeshia soon realised she was constantly “attracted to a really charismatic, kind of love bombing style person…When I examined my past relationships with my psychiatrist, we spoke about impulsivity. I thought that they were always referring to financials or drugs. I didn’t realise that the main way that I was impulsive was actually in the dating landscape.”
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Some individuals with ADHD also experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a condition that triggers intense emotional reactions to a real or perceived rejection.
Adult psychiatrist and guest of the Cloud podcast Dr Kieran Kennedy explained that “For those with ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is commonly experienced as a sense of significant hypervigilance around any sign that those around them might not approve or might be unhappy with them, or that there’s a chance (even the slightest one) that rejection might be on the cards. With RSD, even the slightest perception of rejection is met with a strong emotional response, and people often describe it as a feeling intensely anxiety-provoking, distressing and even, on some level, painful. It’s something that can drive a lot of emotional struggles for those with ADHD when it comes to socialising and relationships, and for many, it can impact how dynamics with colleagues, friends, partners and family might play out.”
Dr Kennedy adds that “dating can be fuel to the fire for those who struggle with RSD, as it’s often when we’re dating that elements around our sense of self, how we’re viewed by others and rejection can come to the fore. In dating, those who struggle with RSD might be particularly prone to over-analysing situations and responses from others, often feeling hyper-aware of signs of potential rejection or that the one across the table (or phone) might not be feeling the same.”
In Keeshia’s personal experience, RSD led her to overthink relationships, sharing “If I’d be ghosted by someone or if someone would reject me in whatever way that would be, whether they would just leave not interested in me, I would feel that so deeply and think about it for weeks and weeks and ruminate on what might’ve caused them to do that…when things inevitably all came crashing down, that was when the rejection sensitivity kicked in. I was constantly on these waves of really high highs and extremely low lows.”
Revealing Your Diagnosis to New Partners
If you do have ADHD, it may not be something that you explicitly need to share with your partner, especially from the get-go. Keeshia revealed that “you don’t want to take on the preconceived judgement that [the person you’re dating] may have already formed about the condition.”
A recent episode of Cloud touched on this topic around revealing your diagnosis to new partners, with Keeshia joined by international dating coach Sabrina Zohar, who also has ADHD. In terms of the best time to tell someone, Sabrina’s advice was to first accept yourself. After that, “it’s in the moments when you exhibit [your ADHD]…Maybe their ex did [have ADHD] and it was a nightmare, so they’re gonna project that onto you and go ‘I’m not doing this again’ when that might not be fair because yours might not be as severe as that, so I would always suggest bring it up when it actually makes sense to bring it up.”
Sabrina concluded that “[ADHD] doesn’t define me but I’ll bring it up in a sense where it can validate and explain behaviour but I’m not excusing that behaviour…If you’re dating and you’ve had ten dates and this person doesn’t care, they like you for who you are. It doesn’t matter what your diagnosis is.”
The Positives of Dating Someone With ADHD
If you are somebody who has been diagnosed with ADHD or on the other hand are dating someone with ADHD, Cloud is a great starting point to understanding more about it. The show sees ADHD as a difference, not a deficit, and in that sense, there are more than just a few positives surrounding dating with ADHD.
Despite its challenges, Keeshia has also found dating with ADHD can have its benefits too, sharing “people with ADHD can be very spontaneous, so that can be a lot of fun. We also can experience emotions very deeply, which can make us very compassionate people. I think in a relationship that could be a really good thing if you have a partner with ADHD and you’re going through anything, they will likely be the most emotionally connected person.”
“I also don’t think you’d ever be bored dating someone who has ADHD, as long as they’ve got their emotional regulation under control.”
Cloud is a limited series and is now available on iHeart or wherever you get your podcasts.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice.. If you’re struggling with ADHD or its impact on relationships, seek guidance from a qualified medical or mental health professional.
*Young S, Klassen LJ, Reitmeier SD, Matheson JD, Gudjonsson GH. Let’s Talk about Sex… and ADHD: Findings from an Anonymous Online Survey. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023 Jan 22;20(3):2037. doi: 10.3390/ijerph20032037. PMID: 36767401; PMCID: PMC9915044.
