Wealth doula Megan deBoer describes herself to me as “a guide helping someone transition through a process of discovering what wealth is for them.” It’s a job title you’ve probably never heard of but one that makes sense: who doesn’t need a guide, mentor and support person for their finances?
The term ‘wealth doula’ is one Megan coined herself. Before entering the world of finance and starting her business, Tended Wealth, Megan worked as a birth doula and now she approaches her money work in the same way: it’s about meeting her client right in the moment, with exactly what they need.
One of the ways Megan transforms how her clients handle their finances is by first helping them to understand their money story. “The way I think of money stories is the story that we tell ourselves about money – sometimes these stories are supportive, but more often than not, they aren’t. It could be that money is power, money is bad, or money is hard to come by. The story is shaped by the context that we have grown up in, whether that is our immediate family, our direct personal experience, or inherited from the culture and its influence on us.”
While simple in theory, the way these money stories embed themselves in our lives can directly impact how we manage our money. Your personal – and often sub-conscious – money story could be the reason why you struggle to save, max out your Afterpay balance, or never seem to get out of that cycle of credit card debt. It could also be the reason why you avoid looking at your finances altogether.
Here, Megan shares her tips for getting in touch with your money story and explains how you can learn to make different decisions about your finances.
What is the best way to identify our money story?
“It is really the stories that we tell ourselves about money,” explains Megan. “One that’s very common is the assumption that we are bad with money – that it’s almost fixed. Seeing yourself through that binary lens of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Then if you begin to identify as bad with money, your lens is actually blocking out the times you are good with money – you’re leaving out the whole grey area.
One of my favourite things to do with my clients is get them to use the language of possibility, like, ‘I’m learning how to be different with money’ or ‘I am on my way to being more skillful with money’ or ‘I haven’t learned yet how to invest’. It’s language that holds more spaciousness rather than a fixed attachment. Completing the sentence, ‘Money is …’ is a really fascinating way to get in touch with what that story actually is for you.”
Are money stories always tied to debt or being “bad” with money?
According to Megan, money stories show up across a broad spectrum. “There are people that I have worked with who have significant wealth and who have a crushing fear about spending any of it. Even if, logically, you can see that there is more money than they could spend in a lifetime. They can be so attached to the fear and the anxiety; there’s a sense of not deserving any of it.”
Since there are so many ways that a money story can show up in our lives, Megan recommends we approach uncovering them like an exploration: “It’s about finding your own centre and asking, ‘What does plenty of money feel like to me? What does it look like to me? And how can I be in alignment with that?’ And not operating on either end of that spectrum.”
What are some other examples of money stories that we can look out for?
“A common one is the ‘rescue fantasy’,” Megan says. “It’s the fantasy of the current situation being alleviated very soon because of winning the lottery, or an inheritance, or a really successful business launch or any number of things.” Have you ever told yourself you’ll wait until you get your tax return and then you’ll pay off your debts? You might be dealing with the ‘rescue fantasy’ money story. “It’s very common for women because of the patriarchal culture that we exist in, but it absolutely exists for men as well.”
Or perhaps you run your own business and you’re constantly undercharging? “This one is most common in service-based businesses, where the work revolves around a relationship. There tends to be a challenge, especially for women, of ‘How can I charge for this?’ I’ve heard many clients over the years use the language of, ‘I don’t want to take their money’, as if there is something wrong about receiving an exchange.” Megan says this is usually linked to how we value ourselves, our work and our services. “It’s an impulse to want to overgive and to under-receive. Under-receive is the terminology that I use – rather than under-earning – because it can show up financially, but it can also show up in a lot of other ways as well.”
Megan’s tips for changing your money story
Awareness: start by becoming aware that a story could be operating in the background. “It’s about understanding the narrative, understanding the context and having a heightened awareness around it so that you’re not automatically operating from that framework.”
Here, Megan uses the example of someone who might come from a family who is very tight with money – the money story could be that it’s unsafe to spend and that your family wouldn’t approve of a purchase. “So by using awareness, you’re consciously saying, ‘Yes, my family would not approve of how I’m choosing to spend my money in this way… And I know that I have the money in my spending plan and so it’s absolutely safe and it’s absolutely okay.’ So it requires conscious awareness to opt out of that money story.”
Recognise the overwhelm: according to Megan, the overwhelm can be a part of the resistance to even beginning. “Recognise if you’re constantly putting off taking a proper look at your finances.”
Approach with curiosity and compassion. “First and foremost, use compassion for the part of you that wants to resist the money work and hold right next to that a curiosity.” Megan suggests asking yourself, ‘Can I just be curious about this process?’
Complete the ‘Money is …’ exercise. “This is a really gentle way to dive into our belief systems,” says Megan. List out the things that come to your mind first when you say, ‘Money is …’, and then explore where the belief came from. Megan adds: “Can you trace it? Did your mother always say that phrase? Did your father ever say that phrase? For me personally, I remember so often my mother saying, ‘Money is a burden.’ Sometimes we can directly link what we think or what we believe, to what somebody once shared with us.”
Question the story. “And then we have the opportunity to question it,” says Megan. “We can say, ‘Do I want to carry that forward or am I ready to leave that behind?’”
Take action. “This is really the way through. Take the tiniest action,” says Megan. “Let’s use my example, so if I think, ‘Money is a burden,’ then the antithesis of that is, ‘Money is a joy’. What would the expression of that be? Maybe I want to buy myself an ice cream cone because it just feels very joyful in this moment.
Whatever that action is can really help ground it and move you forward. To me, the quickest path to rewrite an old belief is to take action from a different place and to see where that leads.”
If you’d like to take action but don’t know where to start, Megan has shared a free Pattern Interruption exercise for The Paige readers. You can access it here. Explore more of Megan’s work here.
Danielle Gay is a Sydney-based journalist, writer and creator, with more than 10 years’ experience in digital and print publishing. Danielle was previously the Editor-in-Chief of local beauty publication Gritty Pretty and Head of Brand at Vogue Australia. You can follow her Substack, Reservations, here.
