Love in the digital age is complicated enough without having to worry about sneaky new dating trends, but here we are. Just when you thought you’d mastered the art of noticing ‘ghosting’ and ‘breadcrumbing’, along comes ‘pocketing’. Never heard of pocketing? Don’t worry, neither had we! Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides explains what it is, and what to do if you think you’re being ‘pocketed’.
What is pocketing?
Let’s call pocketing dating’s newest red flag, or actually, we’ll call it an orange flag because it can be nuanced and harder to spot. Pocketing is a worrying trend that signals when someone you’re dating keeps you hidden away from the rest of their life (or, in their back pocket, so to speak). You’re there, in their life, either dating or in a fully-fledged relationship and yet you feel like you’re still on the outskirts of their life. Chances are you haven’t met any of their family, been introduced to their friends, featured in any of their social media posts, and as for invites to social outings with their buddies, forget about it. Put simply, you’re out of sight and out of mind to everyone else in their life.
Reasons why someone might ‘pocket’ you
This is where this trend can get nuanced. Maybe they aren’t intentionally doing it. Or maybe they just like to take things really slow. If religion is involved, there could also be some complications surrounding that. They could also still be working out what the relationship means to them or deciding if it is going to last the distance. Perhaps they’re insecure about the relationship (aka they don’t know exactly ‘what’ you are or if it’s considered a situationship).
Or, more likely, it’s a sign of deeper issues. Perhaps they value their independence too much or are scared to integrate new partners into their other relationships for fear of being judged or it not working out. Or they could even be commitmentphobes, knowing full well that meeting friends and family signals another step. The key thing to note is that pocketing isn’t always malicious, in fact, it’s likely just a case of different expectations.
What to do if you think you’re being ‘pocketed’
Run for the hills! No, only joking. However, it’s crucial to distinguish between pocketing and simply taking things slow. Healthy relationships often involve a gradual process of integration, and there’s no universal timeline for when introductions to friends and family should occur. The key difference lies in the intention and transparency behind the behaviour. As mentioned earlier, pocketing isn’t a clear red flag because it really could just be those different expectations at play. But the first step is to understand if that’s what is really happening and if it is intentional. Which means, you might have to bring it up in conversation. Eeeeeekkkkkk.
But don’t worry, there are ways you can casually ascertain what’s going on without flat-out asking if you’re being pocketed. The key is not saying or asking anything in an accusatory tone. A simple “{insert friend’s name here} sounds like a really nice person, when do you think I’ll get to meet them?” Then, the way that they respond might say it all. If they dismiss your question, make excuses or keep the response vague, there could be cause for concern.
However, if their response is more engaging like “oh, are you ready to meet my friends?” then chances are it was different expectations at play. If they are genuinely interested in forming a closer bond with you and strengthening the relationship, then they will be excited about the idea of you meeting their friends or family.
What next?
If you suspect you’re being pocketed, I recommend open communication with your partner. Express your feelings and concerns without accusation, using “I” statements to avoid putting them on the defensive. Their response can provide valuable insight into their motivations and the relationship’s potential.
It’s also important to consider the impact of pocketing on your mental health. Feeling hidden or unacknowledged can lead to self-doubt and lowered self-esteem, even if there is no sinister reason for it. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships which enable us to flourish, feel safe, seen and supported. While the private dynamics of your relationship may be healthy and fulfilling, if you are not a part of their lives then you may not feel respected or safe. This needs to be communicated and some flexible but explicit expectations be negotiated.
If the situation persists despite honest communication, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether it aligns with your needs and values. Remember, a healthy relationship involves mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to integrate each other into your lives at a pace that feels comfortable for both parties.
While pocketing can be a concerning behaviour, it’s not always a definitive sign that the relationship is doomed. With open dialogue and understanding, many couples can work through this issue and build a stronger connection.
Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides is a highly experienced clinical psychologist based in Sydney, with over 25 years of expertise in the field of psychology. She is the founder of counselling clinics in Paddington and Clovelly that specialise in treating a wide range of psychological issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, and PTSD. Find out more on her website or follow Dr Lukeides on Instagram.
